Nevertheless....

Thank you, my best friend, for being so kind and encouraging to me tonight. I am grateful to the Lord for you, and feel honored and blessed to have you in my life. I will take your advice, starting now...
"I LOVE THE LORD. I LOVE THE LORD. I LOVE THE LORD."

Count on it...I will not overcome this without thinking of you, LB. I love you!

"When peace like a river attendeth my way, WHEN SORROWS LIKE SEA BILLOWS ROLL, WHATEVER MY LOT, THOU HAS TAUGHT ME TO SAY 'IT IS WELL, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL'.".


"...for I have learned in whatever state I am in to be content...I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.". Philippians 4:11-13

ALL things.
WHATEVER state.

I'm going to need some practice.

"...we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance, and perseverance character, and character hope. Hope does NOT dissapoint, because the love of GOD has been poured out in out hearts by the HOLY SPIRIT who was given to us.". Romans 5:3-5

I know that it is the will of GOD for me to be selfless. (Phil 2:3). Yet I feel that the "venting" I'm doing here is just as much for my benefit as for yours, if not more. Yet, I do wish to be encouraging and edifying to all of you as well.

Hmmm

Hmmm. I would hate to lose readers because of the copious amounts of negativity percolating from my currently diminished spirit. I just can't seem to rise above this postpartum depression and anxiety today. So, I think I'll abstain from posting until I can regain control of my emotions, once again attempt to brighten someone's day....Hoping it won't be too long. Thanks for your loving kindness.

Projects

Though it has been suggested by some, I choose not to start a crochet project, then finish it before starting another. I like to have a variety to choose from! Some days I just don't feel like working on a blanket, but a purse fits my mood. So, anyways...here are the few projects that I am currently working on!

These are my first hexagons. Eventually, they will evolve into a baby blanket for my new upcoming niece Avery, whose mommy chose pink and brown for her color scheme!

I fell in love with ripples, after admiring the creations of Lucy, at Attic 24. (Who, by the way, is also responsible for my curiosity and new admiration for hexagons). This is the beginnings of a super soft baby blanket for Joshua. My goal is simply to finish it before it gets too warm to use...and considering the high temp of 36 today, I'm confident I can accomplish that goal, Lord willing, of course. I just love these two colors together! You can't really tell in this picture, but the lighter color is actually more of a turquoise.

This is an envelope style makeup bag made from Granny Squares. Just need to add the liner and it will be absolutely complete!

One more row, and my twirly curly scarf will be ready to wear!

This was originally my "experiment ripple" , since I'd never tried it before. I think that I will make it useful though. May be an "Everything Bag" for baby Avery. We shall see!

Handbag in process. So far, this is my favorite of all the bags I have made. Just need to attach the liner and handles...

Side A

Side B

And hopefully, when it is done, it will look something like this!

Rejoice

It was a bit difficult to get out of bed this morning. I prayed, and God granted me the perspective to understand that it was the postpartum depression, and the devil, making me feel that way. So, I got up! It was a constant battle for a time. But seeing my kids sing and play, love one another and be happy, is very encouraging, to say the least. I did take my medication this morning. I guess it's helping, although I'd much rather give the glory to God. Sometimes it's so easy to for get the important things. 1 Thes. 5:18 says "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." Phil 4:4-7 says: Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

We know that these things are true. We are told that "All Scripture is breathed out by God..." in 2 Timothy. And, we can be certain that our God cannot lie, and is not a God of confusion. (2 Cor. 14:33, Heb. 6:18). These things I believe wholeheartedly. It has been pointed out in sermons I've heard in the past, that there is a difference between believing in God, and believing God. What a great point! I know the importance of believing every word the Lord has said for us, to benefit us in knowledge and wisdom. I desperately want to have the kind of faith that will please our Lord.

Why is it then, that I am struggling so much? I am ashamed to admit that I feel I am being ignored. I know that cannot be true, because Hebrews 13 states "...be content with what you have, for He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." 6So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

At this time, I have decided to play the "Glad Game", from Pollyanna, which was suggested by a good friend and great Christian example-thanks Amber. And maybe I'll walk around singing
"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad!"
from Sound of Music.

Here goes!
I felt the need to whine and complain about the snowy weather which will hinder us from making it to the Bluegrass Festival in Amarillo this weekend, or leaving the house at all for that matter. Then, I was greatly encouraged when I saw the Facebook status of a sweet girl and friend. It reads " I am LOVING watching the beautiful snow falling outside my kitchen window. It's a perfect day for scrapbooking, cuddling with my babies, and hot cocoa!" (Thanks Jennifer). What a great way to look at things!

So, let's consider the beauty of things, shall we?

God's beautiful creations, viewed from my front porch, and kitchen window.

The warmth and smell of my morning cup of coffee, and the fire burning in the fireplace...experience enhanced, of course, by the wearing of my husband's plaid pajama flannel pants.

My beautiful daughter, Julie's artwork, and the way her hair looks first thing in the morning.



My adorable, tenderhearted son Jonathan, who can make you laugh with any one of his 1000 facial expressions.

Precious baby Joshua, in peaceful slumber, without a care in the world.

My exceptional husband, Mike, who surprised me by coming home from work early today, and still loves me unconditionally.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW


Thank you Lucy from Attic 24, for inspiring me to brighten the days of others, the way you have brightened mine.


I hope this can be an encouragement to anyone who is feeling a little blue today...count your blessings, play the Glad Game, and sing some Fräu⋅lein Maria songs.

Insanity

Today, I feel like I have experienced a mental breakdown. We got good news today from the neurologist, which I am thankful for. But I thought for sure that once the good news sunk in, my evolving panic attacks would cease. Unfortunately, they did not. There was a period of time where I truly felt that I was going insane. There were thoughts in my head that just made no since at all...I was full of confusion. At some point it finally occurred to me that things weren't normal. I know that anyone who has suffered a panic attack understands completely, and those who have not probably think I'm insane. I decided to pray about it one more time, pleading with the Lord to let me know and understand His will, before taking the Xanax I had been avoiding. I want to do God's will, and I felt clueless about what that was. I absolutely was not clear-headed. Just after I finished, my phone rang, and it was my Dr. She was calling to let me know about the discussion she had had with the neurologist earlier, and I guess the panic was apparent in my voice. She immediately asked if I was ok, and I explained what had been going on for the last week...one ongoing panic attack. I also felt the need to tell her why I had chosen not to take the medication, knowing that she would understand, as she too, is a woman of faith. She told me that ultimately, the decision was mine, but that in her opinion, God expects us to use the resources He has given us and that includes medication. She recommended I take the Xanax asap. So in a way, I felt that God was giving me His answer through this phone call. I took it. I waited three torturous (yes I really feel that they were torturous, no matter how dramatic) hours. It wasn't helping at all!! I felt that I was experiencing a breakdown. So, I left the house, headed for the Dr.s office without a plan, or an appointment for that matter. I was freaking out, and I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy. But, the office girls and nurses were extremely understanding and helpful. I waited for quite sometime, and when I finally got to see the Dr. on call, it was a huge relief to hear that what I was experiencing was common in new moms, that I wasn't going crazy, and that I wasn't alone. She was very compassionate, and took the time to explain to me that after filling out a "scoring system" for the diagnosis of postpartum depression, she felt that I was definitely suffering from it in addition to panic disorder, which I had before becoming pregnant with Joshua. She says it's a bad combination, and that she was glad I came in for help.
Currently, I feel embarrassed about my previous insane-like behavior. Yet, comforted by the fact that there is a real cause, and diagnosis. I also feel a little dizzy/groggy from the new medication she gave me today, but atleast the calm is there too. I have high hopes that things will get drastically better over the next few days, so that I can get back to blogging about the moments I live for.

In the meantime, I will be concentrating on this weekend. We are planning on attending the Bluegrass festival in Amarillo Friday and Saturday, and worshiping at a congregation there on Sunday morning; my best friend from Church recommended the congregation, since she grew up there where her dad was the preacher. It's going to be a fun trip, Lord willing. We have been looking forward to it...singing, playing, and seeing old friends. Hopefully, the weather won't hinder us from making it up there! There is supposed to be between 6-16 inches of snow tonight and tomorrow between Clovis and Amarillo!

I'll let you know what the lab results show in a week!

EMG

Today was the EMG. It went well. There are two kinds, and today I only had the one where they put sticky things on your skin and electrically shock your muscles. It wasn't too bad, just a little uncomfortable. The test results were normal, PRAISE GOD! And I don't have any muscle weakness, so that is good. Next step, have the labs redone in one week. If the liver enzymes are still high and the myositis is still there, then I have to back to the neurologist I saw today for another EMG, the intramuscular kind, where they insert needles into the muscles and then shock them. Yuck. Doesn't sound fun, but I'm hoping it won't be necessary. Maybe the labs I have done next week will come back normal, and I won't need to have it done at all!

The anxiety is still hanging around. I've been praying a lot, and Mike and I have had numerous discussions, and a couple of Bible studies with some friends from Church. I've been struggling with the choice of whether or not to take the anxiety meds that were prescribed to me. Is this problem I am having a lack of faith? After a few torturous days, and lots of prayer, I have decided to take the meds. I'm assuming that because of all the hormonal changes going on since Joshua was born, my body is just out of whack! I desperately want to do God's will and please Him, so I hope that I have made the right decision. Any opinions? Let me know.

God Is Good

GOD is so amazing. It's hard even to put into words. HE answers prayers. You just need to distance yourself from sin to realize it. I'm amazed that I've ever lacked faith at all. May HIS will be done, may we all grow in knowledge and wisdom so that our will and HIS be one.

Plans

I had planned on blogging about other things today, but plans change! I had some blood tests done last week. Today, my Dr. called and said they weren't normal. They showed some Myositis (Inflammation of the Muscles)which is what has been causing my pain, and also elevated Liver Enzymes. My Dr. said that there are a few things that could be causing this. She wasn't extremely specific. I am going to need to have some more tests done. One of them is called an EMG or Electromyography, which involves the testing of electrical activity of the muscles. I am also going to be scheduled to see a Rhuematologist. I don't really know what any of this means, but I have always been a "worrier". Philippians 4:6 says: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. I'm trying very hard to obey this command. But I am having a hard time not being anxious. I feel nauseous. Wish I had better control of my emotions. Please, pray for me to be stronger. I don't like my kids to see me cry.

Sharing

A rare chair share. It only lasts for a few brief seconds...but when it does, precious.

Since she could talk, Julie has called her grandpa "Honey", because that's what grandma calls him. Since then, that is his universal title. Now that Jonathan is saying a few more words, honey has evolved into "Himey", or the spanish pronunciation of "Jamie". It's adorable.

This morning, Jonathan was the first to rise. He immediately ran to the living room, closely examined the swing and carseat, and frantically yelled "Baby? Baby!" Joshua was still sleeping in our room with dad, but it was precious to know that he has so much love and concern for his new baby brother.

Pride

Julie takes tumbling classes once a week. She is a real natural!! Seriously, she is so talented! I swear, almost everything she does, she does above average. No, I'm not an insane mother who is in denial about her below average child, haha. She just had her first performance at a basketball game the other night, and she was the best in the class! We are so proud. Jonathan was very proud watching her, too. He clapped and cheered for her, it was soooo cute!











Jonathan is the most handsome little boy, with the most beautiful smile!! Well, of course Joshua is equally as handsome, only he's still so tiny, he is more "cute" and "adorable" than handsome. Of course, Jonathan is cute and adorable too! Ok, ok, I'm stopping.
It is precious lately the way that Jonathan has been talking more and more, and that all the words he says that have an "R" sound in them, come out like, well, British sounding! And sometimes like Cliff Claven on Cheers. I just LOVE it! I wish it was more socially acceptable so it never has to change. I think that the day Jonathan starts speaking correctly, I will be sad. Oh, you should hear him say bear, and hair. Haha, it's just to die for when he is pointing to his little head, asking me to brush his "heiw".



It has been interesting, to say the least, having 3 kids at home. My cup overfloweth. It is amazing, and even miraculous to see them all together...the way Julie and Jonathan interact with Joshua, and react to him. I love love love it. I had a small fear that maybe Jonathan would resent his new baby brother for taking up so much of mommy's time, but I was so wrong. He loves him so much. He always smiles at him, says "awwww" when he cries, tries to share his toys and "cup cup". And he and Julie fight over who gets to hug and kiss him. How precious?!




These are the moments I live for.

Hives

Julie broke out in hives today. It looks awful. Could be food, or laundry detergent??? Poor baby! I took her to the ER because I really wasn't sure exactly what it was. Turns out that it is, most likely, an allergy. All we can do is give her Benadryl. Hope it clears up soon!


She's still in good spirits!

Julie and Daddy, Wagon Wheel

Mike and I have been working on this song to do at the Amarillo bluegrass festival at the end of this month. Julie picked it up very quickly! She is so musically talented, I just can't wait to see what she does with it.

Long time coming

Ah, the mouth of babes. It's much more precious when it's your babe. For quite sometime now, I have been meaning to document all the adorable things that my kids say and do. I regret not doing this sooner, because of all the hilarious things my kids have done and said that I may not remember. But it is what it is...I'm starting now.

Julie, who just turned 4, has the most interesting logic. My grandmother, who we all love dearly, often tells Julie "I see your business" if she is changing clothes, or her pants are falling down (which happens often since she is so skinny). So tonight, while my sweet girl was changing into her pajamas, she turned her back side toward me and said, "Mommy, can you see my companies?"