Hmmm

Hmmm. I would hate to lose readers because of the copious amounts of negativity percolating from my currently diminished spirit. I just can't seem to rise above this postpartum depression and anxiety today. So, I think I'll abstain from posting until I can regain control of my emotions, once again attempt to brighten someone's day....Hoping it won't be too long. Thanks for your loving kindness.

Rejoice

It was a bit difficult to get out of bed this morning. I prayed, and God granted me the perspective to understand that it was the postpartum depression, and the devil, making me feel that way. So, I got up! It was a constant battle for a time. But seeing my kids sing and play, love one another and be happy, is very encouraging, to say the least. I did take my medication this morning. I guess it's helping, although I'd much rather give the glory to God. Sometimes it's so easy to for get the important things. 1 Thes. 5:18 says "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." Phil 4:4-7 says: Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. 5Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; 6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

We know that these things are true. We are told that "All Scripture is breathed out by God..." in 2 Timothy. And, we can be certain that our God cannot lie, and is not a God of confusion. (2 Cor. 14:33, Heb. 6:18). These things I believe wholeheartedly. It has been pointed out in sermons I've heard in the past, that there is a difference between believing in God, and believing God. What a great point! I know the importance of believing every word the Lord has said for us, to benefit us in knowledge and wisdom. I desperately want to have the kind of faith that will please our Lord.

Why is it then, that I am struggling so much? I am ashamed to admit that I feel I am being ignored. I know that cannot be true, because Hebrews 13 states "...be content with what you have, for He has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." 6So we can confidently say, "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?"

At this time, I have decided to play the "Glad Game", from Pollyanna, which was suggested by a good friend and great Christian example-thanks Amber. And maybe I'll walk around singing
"When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad!"
from Sound of Music.

Here goes!
I felt the need to whine and complain about the snowy weather which will hinder us from making it to the Bluegrass Festival in Amarillo this weekend, or leaving the house at all for that matter. Then, I was greatly encouraged when I saw the Facebook status of a sweet girl and friend. It reads " I am LOVING watching the beautiful snow falling outside my kitchen window. It's a perfect day for scrapbooking, cuddling with my babies, and hot cocoa!" (Thanks Jennifer). What a great way to look at things!

So, let's consider the beauty of things, shall we?

God's beautiful creations, viewed from my front porch, and kitchen window.

The warmth and smell of my morning cup of coffee, and the fire burning in the fireplace...experience enhanced, of course, by the wearing of my husband's plaid pajama flannel pants.

My beautiful daughter, Julie's artwork, and the way her hair looks first thing in the morning.



My adorable, tenderhearted son Jonathan, who can make you laugh with any one of his 1000 facial expressions.

Precious baby Joshua, in peaceful slumber, without a care in the world.

My exceptional husband, Mike, who surprised me by coming home from work early today, and still loves me unconditionally.

PRAISE GOD FROM WHOM ALL BLESSINGS FLOW


Thank you Lucy from Attic 24, for inspiring me to brighten the days of others, the way you have brightened mine.


I hope this can be an encouragement to anyone who is feeling a little blue today...count your blessings, play the Glad Game, and sing some Fräu⋅lein Maria songs.

Insanity

Today, I feel like I have experienced a mental breakdown. We got good news today from the neurologist, which I am thankful for. But I thought for sure that once the good news sunk in, my evolving panic attacks would cease. Unfortunately, they did not. There was a period of time where I truly felt that I was going insane. There were thoughts in my head that just made no since at all...I was full of confusion. At some point it finally occurred to me that things weren't normal. I know that anyone who has suffered a panic attack understands completely, and those who have not probably think I'm insane. I decided to pray about it one more time, pleading with the Lord to let me know and understand His will, before taking the Xanax I had been avoiding. I want to do God's will, and I felt clueless about what that was. I absolutely was not clear-headed. Just after I finished, my phone rang, and it was my Dr. She was calling to let me know about the discussion she had had with the neurologist earlier, and I guess the panic was apparent in my voice. She immediately asked if I was ok, and I explained what had been going on for the last week...one ongoing panic attack. I also felt the need to tell her why I had chosen not to take the medication, knowing that she would understand, as she too, is a woman of faith. She told me that ultimately, the decision was mine, but that in her opinion, God expects us to use the resources He has given us and that includes medication. She recommended I take the Xanax asap. So in a way, I felt that God was giving me His answer through this phone call. I took it. I waited three torturous (yes I really feel that they were torturous, no matter how dramatic) hours. It wasn't helping at all!! I felt that I was experiencing a breakdown. So, I left the house, headed for the Dr.s office without a plan, or an appointment for that matter. I was freaking out, and I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy. But, the office girls and nurses were extremely understanding and helpful. I waited for quite sometime, and when I finally got to see the Dr. on call, it was a huge relief to hear that what I was experiencing was common in new moms, that I wasn't going crazy, and that I wasn't alone. She was very compassionate, and took the time to explain to me that after filling out a "scoring system" for the diagnosis of postpartum depression, she felt that I was definitely suffering from it in addition to panic disorder, which I had before becoming pregnant with Joshua. She says it's a bad combination, and that she was glad I came in for help.
Currently, I feel embarrassed about my previous insane-like behavior. Yet, comforted by the fact that there is a real cause, and diagnosis. I also feel a little dizzy/groggy from the new medication she gave me today, but atleast the calm is there too. I have high hopes that things will get drastically better over the next few days, so that I can get back to blogging about the moments I live for.

In the meantime, I will be concentrating on this weekend. We are planning on attending the Bluegrass festival in Amarillo Friday and Saturday, and worshiping at a congregation there on Sunday morning; my best friend from Church recommended the congregation, since she grew up there where her dad was the preacher. It's going to be a fun trip, Lord willing. We have been looking forward to it...singing, playing, and seeing old friends. Hopefully, the weather won't hinder us from making it up there! There is supposed to be between 6-16 inches of snow tonight and tomorrow between Clovis and Amarillo!

I'll let you know what the lab results show in a week!