Insanity

Today, I feel like I have experienced a mental breakdown. We got good news today from the neurologist, which I am thankful for. But I thought for sure that once the good news sunk in, my evolving panic attacks would cease. Unfortunately, they did not. There was a period of time where I truly felt that I was going insane. There were thoughts in my head that just made no since at all...I was full of confusion. At some point it finally occurred to me that things weren't normal. I know that anyone who has suffered a panic attack understands completely, and those who have not probably think I'm insane. I decided to pray about it one more time, pleading with the Lord to let me know and understand His will, before taking the Xanax I had been avoiding. I want to do God's will, and I felt clueless about what that was. I absolutely was not clear-headed. Just after I finished, my phone rang, and it was my Dr. She was calling to let me know about the discussion she had had with the neurologist earlier, and I guess the panic was apparent in my voice. She immediately asked if I was ok, and I explained what had been going on for the last week...one ongoing panic attack. I also felt the need to tell her why I had chosen not to take the medication, knowing that she would understand, as she too, is a woman of faith. She told me that ultimately, the decision was mine, but that in her opinion, God expects us to use the resources He has given us and that includes medication. She recommended I take the Xanax asap. So in a way, I felt that God was giving me His answer through this phone call. I took it. I waited three torturous (yes I really feel that they were torturous, no matter how dramatic) hours. It wasn't helping at all!! I felt that I was experiencing a breakdown. So, I left the house, headed for the Dr.s office without a plan, or an appointment for that matter. I was freaking out, and I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy. But, the office girls and nurses were extremely understanding and helpful. I waited for quite sometime, and when I finally got to see the Dr. on call, it was a huge relief to hear that what I was experiencing was common in new moms, that I wasn't going crazy, and that I wasn't alone. She was very compassionate, and took the time to explain to me that after filling out a "scoring system" for the diagnosis of postpartum depression, she felt that I was definitely suffering from it in addition to panic disorder, which I had before becoming pregnant with Joshua. She says it's a bad combination, and that she was glad I came in for help.
Currently, I feel embarrassed about my previous insane-like behavior. Yet, comforted by the fact that there is a real cause, and diagnosis. I also feel a little dizzy/groggy from the new medication she gave me today, but atleast the calm is there too. I have high hopes that things will get drastically better over the next few days, so that I can get back to blogging about the moments I live for.

In the meantime, I will be concentrating on this weekend. We are planning on attending the Bluegrass festival in Amarillo Friday and Saturday, and worshiping at a congregation there on Sunday morning; my best friend from Church recommended the congregation, since she grew up there where her dad was the preacher. It's going to be a fun trip, Lord willing. We have been looking forward to it...singing, playing, and seeing old friends. Hopefully, the weather won't hinder us from making it up there! There is supposed to be between 6-16 inches of snow tonight and tomorrow between Clovis and Amarillo!

I'll let you know what the lab results show in a week!